Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
