just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
