So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
