I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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