I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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