Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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