mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
