if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
