You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
