I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i drank out of a bidet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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