your parents love me but you hate me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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