I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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