i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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