I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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