sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
