Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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