How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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