if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
