theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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