I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
