Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize