This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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