my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
