Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
