we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
