My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
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i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
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You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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