i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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