I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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