take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
