too bad you live with your parents still
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
