He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
