Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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