I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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