Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
