dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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