I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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