I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
