You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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