i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky