Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
