Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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