yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
