I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
