God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
