ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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