I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
