If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
