you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
