I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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