I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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