then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
