ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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