I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
