My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
