in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
