why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
